SCENE 5

 

Richard pulls up to his home. He gets out of his car, scans the slum that is his neighborhood, and he sees a lady chasing her lover with a frying pan screaming obscenities regarding how she’ll make sure he never cheats again. Richard turns his attention to his house and walks toward the front door. He steps onto the porch, sets down two suitcases, and motions to knock on the door. In the middle of this motion a chainsaw suddenly breaks through the door; most of it falls away to reveal Skeeter, wearing nothing but overalls and covered in Sawdust. Skeeter sees Richard and smiles excitedly; he motions to shake hands or embrace Richard but ends up accidentally attacking him with the chainsaw, which is still on. Richard jumps back to avoid being cut in two. Skeeter starts laughing, turns off the chainsaw and puts it down.

 

Skeeter

Howdy! You must be Richard. I’m Skeeter. Let me show you to your room.

The place is a pigpen. They walk to Richard’s room.

You know, it’s funny, the guy who lived here last just didn’t came home one day. Never came back for his stuff.

 

Richard’s room is gross, and Skeeter pins up a poster (The Onion poster with the “Drugs Win Drug War” headline) that had mostly fallen down to reveal a large hole in the wall. Richard is standing in a daze, and Skeeter grabs the flier that Richard is holding.

 

Skeeter

Hey! There’s a party going on tonight?

 

Richard

No. No party tonight.

 

Skeeter is undeterred.

 

Skeeter

Awesome. I can’t wait to meet some new chicks and just spank them all night long in my love den.

 

Skeeter, imagining this, starts slowly, romantically humping furniture. He snaps out of his reverie.

 

Skeeter

Hey you’re in doctor school, right?

 

Richard

Well-

 

Skeeter

Let me show you this rash on my ass crack.

 

Skeeter spins around and begins to pull down his overalls.

 

Richard

Wait-

 

Overalls are coming down, and just as we start to see Skeeter’s ass cut to black.

 

 

Music changes to soft and smooth. Fade into survey of Richard’s room, cleaned up now and with Richard’s stuff replacing all of the previous tenant’s (the poster is still covering the wall). Camera comes to Richard in front of a mirror. He’s wearing a “nice” outfit and practicing his introductions in front of the mirror, big fake smile. Cut to Richard in a different outfit practicing his introductions. Cut to Richard in a third outfit practicing his introductions. He then points to his reflection and winks and walks out of his room; Skeeter is ready to go.