SCENE 25

 

Scene 25 opens with a black screen, we still hear Mr. Abdomen's yell against the black screen, and as the yell fades out, a newborn's cry fades in. Fade in to the face of a newborn, pan out to Richard, gowned and gloved, wrapping the baby in a blanket and presenting her to mommy.

 

Richard

Esta niña!

 

Cut to mom's exhausted, smiling face for a moment. Cut to Richard ripping off his gown and walking into the crit room. Carolyn, in scrubs, is leaning against the wall as the centrifuge spins, looking sour.

 

Richard

Hey.

 

Carolyn

I'm in a bad mood.

 

Richard

Oh thank god. This shit sucks, right?

 

Carolyn

A few years ago I was helping my friend move into this apartment complex, and my job was to hold this spring-loaded gate open, and that's what I did. While everyone unloaded boxes I stood there, holding the gate, and it was a heavy gate, and I was getting tired.

 

 

As Carolyn speaks the centrifuge stops, and Carolyn unloads the pipettes and puts them in that slide-rule device, but she stops what she's doing to look at Richard and make her point.

 

Carolyn

And then someone came up with this big cinder block and put it down, and it stopped the gate from closing. And I remember walking away, thinking, "I've just been replaced by a cinder block."

 

Pause. Richard stares at her expectantly.

 

Carolyn

"And that cinder block is doing a better job."

 

Richard

I'm sure you did every bit as good a job as that cinder block.

 

Carolyn

No, I resented my friend for asking me to hold the gate open. The cinder block didn't mind it at all.

 

Richard

You're feeling resentful.

 

Carolyn

Do you ever get the feeling a monkey could do what we do?

 

Richard frowns.

 

Richard

It would have to be a really well-trained monkey. Hey listen, we're meeting with the attending.

 

Carolyn

bitter

Well I have to breathe with Ms. Martinez, so tell Dr. Werner I'll join you guys in a bit.

 

Carolyn is scowling. Richard looks at her with empathy. He then makes some monkey sounds and scratches himself like a monkey. Carolyn tries not to laugh but can't help it. She loses hold of her aggravation, grabs a speculum out of a pail filled with disinfectant, wields it like a gun, and shoots Richard.

 

Cut to resident's room on L&D west. Two female residents are sitting in the reclining chairs and Dr. Werner is sitting right next to them, sipping on a drink. They are gossiping among themselves, ignoring Richard, who walks up with a big smile on his face, holding Pap smear instruments.

 

ob resident 1

Oh my god she is such a bitch. She left me with a postpartum hemorrhage last night so she wouldn't be late for her date with that medicine resident with the big nose.

 

ob resident 2

She went out with that guy? She is so desperate.

 

Dr. werner

The other night I saw her browsing through the clearance section at Nieman's.

 

ob res 1 and 2

horrified

Oh my god.

 

Finally they notice Richard, and all the animation leaves their face. They are conspicuously disappointed to see him.

 

dr. werner

disgusted

Hello Richard.

 

Richard

How are you Dr. Werner.

 

dr. werner

Richard we tend not to perform Pap smears on our patients in labor.

 

Richard realizes he's holding the Pap instruments and laughs.

 

Richard

Oh these? Oh, yeah, uh, well Carolyn was shooting me with a speculum and I had to defend myself.

 

Richard is laughing at this, hoping they'll laugh too, but they just stare at him with contempt. After a few seconds Richard's laughing trails off, and he sticks the instruments in his pocket.

 

Richard

Anyway Carolyn's delivering Ms. Martinez, so, uh, she'll join us when she's through.

 

dr. werner

mocking him

Richard we're going to talk about vaginal bleeding for a few minutes. How does that sound to you?

 

Richard

Sounds great.

 

Richard motions to sit down in a nearby vacant chair.

 

dr. werner

Don't sit down.

 

Richard stops in his tracks. Dr. Werner points to a spot in front of the three physicians.

 

dr. werner

You can stand here.

 

Richard assumes a position front and center.

 

dr. werner

Tell me Richard, what is the most important question you can ask a woman who complains of vaginal bleeding?

 

Richard

thinks for a moment

Um, how long have you been bleeding?

 

dr. werner

Nice thought Richard but wrong. Any other ideas?

 

Richard

Ummm...

 

Dr. werner

That's right Richard: When was your last menstrual period. Let's say she claims not to have had a period in two months. What does that mean to you?

 

Richard

Well, it could mean a lot of things.

 

The residents shake their heads at Richard.

 

dr. werner

impatiently

Okay Richard. What is the most common reason for a woman to miss her period?

 

Richard doesn’t know. He takes a deep breath and thinks about it.

 

Richard

Polycystic Ovarian Disease?

 

ob res 1

Ppppppffffffff.

 

Richard, startled, looks over at resident one, but Dr. Werner doesn't give him time to dwell on this ejaculation.

 

dr. werner

Pregnancy, Richard. Pregnancy.

 

ob res 2

disgusted

Jesus.

 

dr. werner

Let me ask you another question, Richard. Why are men so stupid?

 

Richard

Uhh...it's genetic?

 

Though Dr. Werner remains calm throughout, the residents become increasingly agitated over the course of this conversation.

 

Res 1

You got that right.

 

dr. werner

And what about lazy, insensitive, and self-centered? Is that genetic too?

 

Richard

Uhh, I don't know about those.

 

dr. werner

And tell me Richard, why is it that men can only treat women as sex objects? Huh?

 

res 2

shouting angrily

Don't answer that you prick!!

 

As Dr. Werner asks her next question, the women slowly rise from their seated positions and approach Richard. Music volume rises.

 

dr. werner

Do you think that every square inch of uncovered flesh is an invitation for you to look?

 

Richard shakes is head, and slowly begins to retreat, walking backwards, as the women approach him with threatening expressions on their faces.

 

res 1

shouting angrily

You pig!!

 

dr. werner

Are my breasts big enough for you, Richard?

 

res 2

shouting angrily

Do we do it for you, Richard?

 

dr. werner

You make me sick.

 

Dr. Werner flings the contents of her drink all over Richard. Richard is stunned.

 

res 1

Asshole!

 

Resident one lunges forward, cocks her hand, and unloads a slap to Richard's face that nearly connects before we cut to black, the sound of the slap exaggerated on the black screen.