SCENE 26

 

Scene 26 opens with a white sheet taking up the entire screen, so that it is not recognizable as a sheet. Slowly pan out so that just as the outline of a woman's legs in lithotomy position comes into view, Richard's head pops up from above the sheet. He's performing a pelvic exam.

 

Richard

Okay you're going to feel my hand on your thigh.

 

Richard ducks beneath the sheet.

 

Richard

Okay, now you're going to feel my fingers manipulating your vestibule.

 

What's a vestibule? Pelvic patient appears confused.

 

Richard

Okay, now you're going to feel my fingers inside of you.

 

Okay, now you're going to hear me unwrap the speculum.

 

Richard unwraps the speculum from its package (packaged speculums available in the ICC).

 

Richard

Okay, now you're going to feel me put in the speculum. Remember, the speculum is cold.

 

The patient is getting visibly annoyed and is uncomfortable as Richard tries to find the cervix.

 

Richard

Okay, now you're going to experience quite a bit of unnecessary discomfort because I don't really know how to find your cervix but I'm going to try anyway.

 

Patient squirms in discomfort.

 

pelvic patient

Oooh. Ouch.

 

Richard

Okay, now you're going to feel my stare as I inspect your anatomy. Remember, my stare is cold.

 

Pause for a few seconds as Richard presumably examines the patient's cervix. The patient is irritated.

 

Richard

Nice vagina.

 

A moment after Richard says this, his pager goes off. Richard pokes his head above the sheet, confused.

 

Richard

Hmmm, my pager won't turn off.

 

The lights flash on and off. We hear the voice of an overhead announcement.

 

overhead announcer

Alarm. Unchaperoned medical student, floor six, room nineteen.

   

Richard

scared

Shit!! Let me get this speculum out.

 

Richard ducks down to get the speculum. His pager is still going off.

 

overhead announcer

Alarm. Unchaperoned medical student, floor six, room nineteen.

 

The patient snaps shut her legs, catching Richard's head between her knees. He can't break free.

 

Richard

Hey!

 

pelvic patient

You're not going anywhere Richard.

 

Richard

Let me go!!

 

Pelvic patient

You're the guy who did a pelvic exam on a woman who came in with chest pain, you sick bastard.

 

Richard

his head still stuck between her knees

I leave no stone unturned!! Let me go!!

 

The pager beeping gets louder, cut to black, beeping continues.

 

Just as before, we see the light on Richard's pager. We hear Richard stirring, then fumbling with the phone, dialing a number, and the phone ringing, all to a black screen. The phone is picked up and we hear the conversation, screen still black.

 

Carolyn (OS)

Richard.

 

Richard (OS)

Hey.

 

Carolyn (OS)

Wake up. We're in operating room five.

 

Cut to Richard walking out of the call room with a raging erection. As he walks he looks down and, startled, buttons up his white coat to cover it. Cut to OR 5: A patient is draped, unconscious. The OB residents from the previous scene are about to scrub. Richard walks in as one of the residents is talking to Carolyn.

 

ob res 1

Hello Richard. I was just telling Carolyn that we're going to do a transabdominal hysterectomy.

 

Richard

Sounds good.

 

ob res 1

I'm glad you think so. It's going to be pretty crowded around the table, so why don't you two just stand here.

 

Resident points to a spot a few feet away from the table.

 

Richard

Um, last time we couldn't see anything.

 

ob res 1

That's okay, we want you to stand there for a few hours anyway.

 

Resident one walks away.

 

ob res 2

Okay, she's ready! Line up!

 

All the people in the room head toward the pelvic exam line, holding up their two exam fingers. Resident two sticks her head out the OR door, shouting into the hall.

 

ob res 2

shouting

HEY!!! We've got a woman under anesthesia in here!! Anybody need a pelvic?

 

Students, doctors, nurses, and all variety of support staff (including a custodian) come pouring out into the hall, into OR 5, with two exam fingers up. Resident two lubes their fingers as they come in.

 

Cut to Richard walking off campus, in a daze. He's crossing the street, and we hear the ring-ring of a bicycle bell.

 

Cop

Hey!

 

Richard slowly turns his head, too tired to care. He sees the cop riding a little girl's bicycle with training wheels.

 

COp

The crosswalk's there for a reason, young man.

 

Richard looks down, he's a few feet wide of the crosswalk.

 

Cut to Richard opening his house door, to reveal Skeeter getting his ass waxed by a cute Asian chick. Rather than go inside, Richard turns around and drives off.

 

Cut to bar. Taylor and Richard are having a drink. Richard is dressed in the same scrubs he's been wearing all day. Taylor's beer is half-full; Richard's is half-empty.

 

Richard

And so the baby's about halfway out, right? And I'm about to catch it. And there's shit everywhere. Mom is shitting all over me, all over the baby, all over the room, everywhere.  And I'm about to catch the baby, and my goggles are about to fall off, so I nudge them back into place, and the resident freaks.

 

Taylor

Your goggles are not sterile, Richard.

 

Richard is more upset than we've ever seen him.

 

Richard

exasperated

You would have thought I dropped the baby, I mean Dr. Rollins was screaming  at me because I touched my goggles, meanwhile the baby is covered in shit!!

 

 Taylor

Hey buddy, relax. It's okay, Taylor's here.

 

Taylor puts his arm around Richard.

 

Richard

frustrated

Doctors hate me.

 

Taylor

Well good news: you're about to start psychiatry, and they're not real doctors.

 

Richard

That's true. Maybe I'll like psychiatry.

 

Cut to black.