SCENE 31

 

Scene 31 opens with the cop talking to two trainee cops, Jimmy and Maryanne, in the hallway outside the library.

 

cop

pointing to glass doors

Okay Jimmy now this door here, when do we lock it?

 

Jimmy

flustered, can't remember

Um...ten o'clock.

 

cop

Right. And what if you catch someone trying to open this door after ten o'clock?

 

jimmy

flustered, can't recall

Um....damn....I know this.

 

Cop

Maryanne?

 

maryanne

We give him a ticket for trying to force an entry.

 

cop

Excellent Maryanne. Jimmy, what if the vandal trying to open the locked door is a student?

 

jimmy

trying to remember

Um...shoot...

 

cop

No, we don't shoot him. Maryanne?

 

Maryanne

Check to make sure he has a parking decal on his car. If not, ticket him.

 

Jimmy shoots a glare at Maryanne, who sticks her tongue out at Jimmy. Cop points to the next door over.

 

cop

Great. When do we lock this door?

 

Silence.

 

cop

Anybody?

 

Silence.

 

Cop

Trick question. We don't lock this door, it stays open 24 hours.

 

As the cop is saying this, we see Richard outside trying to open the 24 hour door, but it's  locked. The cops do nothing. Richard walks to the next door down, with camera following, opens it up, walks inside and down the hall. He's eating a hamburger.

 

Cut to Richard in Parkland, on his way to the ED. A large black lady, in scrubs, is standing next to a janitor cart that has a big garbage receptacle in it. Richard finishes his burger and crumples up the wrapping paper. He walks up to the black lady, and motions to throw away his wrapper in the garbage receptacle.

 

Richard

Um, can I toss this here?

 

scrubbed black lady

Excuse me?

 

Richard

Oh sorry, I was just wondering if I could throw this away in your cart.

 

scrubbed black lady

offended

I'm an attending surgeon...

 

Pause as she looks at Richard's name tag.

 

scrubbed black lady

Richard.

 

Hold Richard staring blankly at the scrubbed black lady for a few moments. Cut to ER, Richard interviewing a normal, unremarkable and very healthy-appearing young man. Richard breaks out a sheet of paper and a clipboard.

 

Richard

Hi, I'm Richard, one of the third year medical students. Are you Mr. Stein?

 

mr. stein

Yes, how do you do.

 

Richard

Fine, thanks. Do you have any allergies to any medications, Mr. Stein?

 

mr. stein

None that I know of.

 

Richard

Any medical problems? Diabetes, asthma?

 

mr. stein

Nope, nothing.

 

Richard

Previous surgeries?

 

mr. stein

Never.

 

Richard

Medications?

 

mr. stein

No medications.

 

Richard

Wow you're just the picture of health. Are you a drinker or smoker?

 

mr. stein

I drink occasionally, don't smoke.

 

Richard

Other drugs? Marijuana, cocaine?

 

mr. stein

offended

What? No!

 

Richard

Sorry, sir, I ask everyone.

 

mr. stein

shocked, can't believe Richard asked him that

What kind of guy do you think I am?

 

Richard

I'm sorry.

 

mr. stein

Jeez.

 

Richard

What brings you to the hospital today, Mr. Stein?

 

mr. stein

matter of factly

I have a Barbie doll stuck in my ass hole.

 

Richard had been writing, and he conspicuously stops midstroke, but tries to appear composed and unmoved by this information.

 

Richard

A Barbie doll.

 

mr. stein

Yeah, you see what happened is I was cleaning, right? And I was vacuuming, and I slipped.

 

Pause. Richard is staring at the patient, not writing anything.

 

mr. stein

as if taken by surprise

 And she went right up my butt.

 

Closeup on Mr. Stein nodding. Cut to rounding room, Dr. Jackson and Richard.

 

Dr. Jackson

Lemme guess, his first name is Ken, right?

 

Richard looks at his paper, surprised, he's just now drawing the connection.

 

Richard

Uh, yeah, it is. He says that he was cleaning and-

 

Dr. Jackson

annoyed

Save it, I've heard'em all. Here's what we're going to do. I want you to go back down there and get that sucker out. Get a couple pairs of gloves, a lot of lube and the biggest speculum you can find and get in there and get that thing. If you can't do it, we're going to take him to surgery, simple as that.

 

Cut to face shot of Richard, who's about to reach into Mr. Stein's ass. We see Mr. Stein's legs in lithotomy position on either side of Richard.

 

Richard

Okay, now just relax Mr. Stein. You're going to feel a lot of pressure-

 

Richard was going in carefully but much to his surprise basically falls into Mr. Stein's anus. Richard pauses for a moment to digest how loose this guy's ass is.

 

mr. stein

It's way up in there.

 

Richard starts digging deeper.

 

mr. stein

ambiguously pain/pleasure

Oooh.

 

Richard doesn't notice, keeps digging.

 

mr. stein

Deeper!

 

Richard digs.

 

mr. stein

Oh yeah!!

 

Richard stops, his arms halfway in this guy's ass. A suspicious look comes over his face.

 

Mr. stein

Wow.

 

Cut to OR. Dr. Cox is scrubbed in, along with a nurse, Richard, Dr. Jackson and a junior resident or two. Richard is retracting as the physicians operate. Dr. Cox is operating and speaks without taking his eyes off the field.

 

dr. cox

So let me get this straight. This guy was cleaning, naked.  God dammit who the hell cleans naked? Pam do you clean naked?

 

scrub nurse

No sir.

 

dr. cox

So he was cleaning naked when he slipped and fell onto a Barbie doll, which happened to be standing up in the middle of the room, and the doll is now two feet up his ass. Richard pull on that a little harder, give us some more room.

 

Richard

Okay Dr. Cock.

 

Dr. Cox, who had been operating, stops, looks up, and stares at Richard.

 

dr. cox

It's Doctor Cox. C. O. X. Cox.

 

Richard

surprised, as if he doesn't get the meaning of cock

Oh really? This whole time I thought it was Dr. Cock! Hmm.

 

Dr. Cox stares at Richard for a few more seconds, then puts his instruments down.

 

Dr. cox

Today's your last day, right Richard?

 

Richard

Yessir.

 

Dr. Cox

Why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off. I think I speak for the whole team when I say it's been a real pleasure working with you.

 

Dr. Jackson

We'll miss you Richard.

 

Cut to the outside of Parkland. Richard pushes through the doors and walks away. He stops, looks back at the hospital, and then continues. He takes a deep breath and smiles. This marks the end of third year.